Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
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My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
My wife gives the best headache.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.