[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
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I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story