Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
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Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles