Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
This is Sparta
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
Florida be like…
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.