[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
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adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
We all have our pet causes.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)