zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
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worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
the official breakfast of 2021
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?