Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.