[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
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i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
January has been Januweary
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.