Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
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HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
DOOO EEEET
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”