ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
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ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
A little too much information.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
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