*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
You Might Also Like
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Cheer up.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.