ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
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Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable