my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep
husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests
me: yes…for our guests
Leaving the house forgetting my keys, and then crawling through a window , is not good way to start the day…
A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.
Some call it flirting…. I call it just being extra nice to someone who is extra attractive…
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz![30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”
So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”
Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?
3 yo: No, thanks.
🤦🏻♀️
Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker
walking out of the bob dylan movie and wondering why I didn’t know any of the songs or why he was a monkey