Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
My birthstone is pecan pie.
serving silly goose instead of turkey
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…
But I’m worried he might take a fence.
#Jokes
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
A man sentenced to the electric chair is strapped in when the prosecutor asks for his last words. He replies, “You’re making a mistake… I’ve already been charged!” #DarkHumor #Jokes #LegalLaughs
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
My workout schedule:
1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.
