Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
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[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?