Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
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Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I have many caverns
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Ladies, why y’all do this?