Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
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My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road