One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
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[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.