{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
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Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.