Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
There is no “we” in pizza
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?