Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.

ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad

Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly

Many hands make light work

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Me: sobbing in the shower

Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

an octopus is just a wet spider

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

I went from rags to one rag.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me