Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?

ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.

ME: I know. How about Friday?

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

🤣

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

her: well don’t just stand there, say something

me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross

her: i said i’m pregnant matt

me: his hair could be the brush part

Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.

Not today, today.
Not today.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”

Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

Intelligence:

Below average – Loves Joe Rogan

Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally

Above average – Despises Joe Rogan

Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan

Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy