Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you

Dung beetle: what’s the good news

Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans

Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?

Evolution: well

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?

Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!

😂

you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?

MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

BARTENDER: how do you take it?

ME: personally

Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..

I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.

New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”

16: They asked me for my email.

12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!

16: Ewww, I know!

*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.