Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.

Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.

People often mistake me for an adult because of my age

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

[Movie Theater]

Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.

Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…

Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.

Crying is a sign of leakness.

yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again

jesus: ok yes

My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…

It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.

I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.

What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”