Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.

Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”

STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”

ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”

SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”

ME: “It bends and everything.”

SM: “I’ve seen better.”

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

Relationship status:

I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.

Update:

I am now running out of paper towels.

The glory of fall.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

scares

*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

A rapper that raps for hours on end just to make the show longer.

Fiibuster Rhymes.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”

Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

Do you like vampires?

🟩 Nosferatu

✅ Yesferatu

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?

Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.