Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio

From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?

Me: *nods*

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

[montage of me giving-up]

Well. That’s not a good sign.

Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

“Is that your dog?”

“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered