Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

No one girl should have all that power. 😂

An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

Who were the kings of disco?

A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.

Snow, maybe.

I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

girlfriend: is crying

me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*