І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
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If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records