Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

Cashiers are always checking me out

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

shakira sharkira

no one likes gloating

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”

We have no idea if you’re lying.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.

I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.

I just move my scale to different parts of the bathroom floor until I like the number.

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.