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[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
So the ex texted me
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Sick of people thinking the Midwest is just a bunch of small towns and cornfields when they forgot it’s also a lot of road construction, inconsistent weather, and deer that jump in front of your car
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …