і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
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Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour