Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
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The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
“I FIXED IT!”
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp