“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
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Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[The next day]
Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went
George Michael: She woke me up before she went went
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”