Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a whole world of people out there!

*closes the door*

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.

hear me out : pockets for your socks

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.

Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”