”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Check your privilege
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
Sharon I have some bad news
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
rebranding
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.