”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Cargo pants? Uhhhh no buddy, car go beep beep. You feeling alright man?
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
☺️
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.