Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!

Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

bout dat hot dog summer

Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.

[job interview]

“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”

*takes long drag from cigarette*

Not that I’m aware of.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

[first day as a barista]

ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole

NICHOLE: oh come on

If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.