Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

I like long walks away from everyone

Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?

Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!

impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

Hamburger Hinderer.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.

Her: What?!? Children? Since when?

Me: Since I’m getting audited today.

Me: Night love.

11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

[phone rings]

Me: Hello?

My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.

Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*