Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Boss: did you turn your office into a ball pit?

Me [rising from the bottom of the ball pit] this could’ve been an email

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

[My 8yo looking for something]

OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that

She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.

Relationship stress can make you very confused!

Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.