Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.

[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.

[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.

[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often

My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.

I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met

Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR

Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?

12:
Its not really spicy..

Except on the way out

Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice

HER: do you mind?!

ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*

*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.