@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
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“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT