@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
You Might Also Like
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
work smarter, not harder
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…