Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

When you “pspspsp” too hard

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?

WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s

CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.

lost dog

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG