Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.

Me: Because of all the sugar?

D: No, because of all the champagne.

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”

STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.