Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.

How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?

Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.

If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping

Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

this job on linkedin didn’t even ask for a resume, it was just like do you have a website? what about an email? And then,

Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500

[First day as a crime scene photographer]

Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

That took me a moment.

Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

me: let’s circle back around and touch base

baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it

Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm

Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?