Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

*Sweeping the floor

Lower back: “Time to go out!”

Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”

Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”

*cries hunchbackedly

I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

Hmm, not sure about this change

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.