Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?

hamster: no

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?

Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.