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All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…
Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
A ghost story
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.