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*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them