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Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.