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I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
This Halloween take a moment to remember the time Scott Kelly smuggled a gorilla suit to the ISS to scare the shit out of his fellow astronauts.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…