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Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
