◾️
You Might Also Like
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Me: [touching grass]
Grass: ok first of all, no.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.