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I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe