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[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.