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Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.