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Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
these can’t be my only options
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Just been made aware of the fact that some people are unironically referring to the General Election as the Jenny Lec and, I’ll be honest, I’m not coping too well with this awful information.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you