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So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Every time my phone rings
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.