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I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.