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I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
it is time once again
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”