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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.