☠️ ☠️
You Might Also Like
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror