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here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Faith can move mountains, but cash can move the paperwork.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?