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do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
I can’t believe people think eggplant is real.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*