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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.