Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

[first time hearing bag pipes]

ME: What a pleasant experience.

[1 minute later]

ME: This can stop.

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

10/10 no notes

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

Yes I’m the dude at the liquor store with a grocery cart but in my defense I do have 10 relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow

“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.