Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…

with flying colors…

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.

It was a picture of her at the airport.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

St Peter: welcome to the afterlife

me: damn… there’s more?

but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??

asking for a friend

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?

Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss

Me: please don’t; it’ll get better

Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-

Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison

When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/EAlOkqcWwAAWMu-.mp4

This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’